Toddler tantrums: how to help your preschooler manage emotions

Toddler tantrums are a normal part of development, especially between the ages of two and four. Your child feels strong emotions but cannot yet name or manage them, so their frustration comes out as screaming, crying or throwing themselves on the floor. During a tantrum it helps to stay calm, keep your child safe and not give in. Between tantrums your child learns to name and manage their emotions, and this is where you can help a lot at home. In this article we explain why tantrums happen, what to do while one is going on and how to build your preschooler’s emotional intelligence through play.

If you are going through a phase when your child flies into a rage over the wrong colour cup, you are not alone. Almost every parent of a young child knows the looks from people in the shop while their child lies on the floor screaming. It is exhausting and sometimes embarrassing. It helps to know what is going on inside your child at that moment. Then it is easier to stay calm, even in front of strangers.

Why tantrums happen

The NHS says that tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. A small child wants lots of things they cannot yet say or do. They want to pour their own water, stay longer at the playground, have the blue cup and not the green one. When they cannot manage it or do not get it, they feel frustrated, and according to the NHS that frustration comes out as a tantrum.

The ability to stop, wait and put a feeling into words develops gradually. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University writes that nobody is born with these skills, but every child is born with the potential to develop them. They need time and adults who show them how.

According to the NHS, tantrums are much less common by around the age of four. Your child talks more, understands rules and can wait a little. But even a preschooler sometimes explodes, especially when tired or when something is bothering them.

What most often sets off a tantrum

Once you notice when your child explodes, you can prevent many tantrums. These are the most common triggers:

• Tiredness and hunger. The NHS lists them among the main reasons. A hungry or tired child has less strength to cope with even a small disappointment.
• Transitions. Leaving the playground, switching off a cartoon, getting dressed to go out. Your child has to stop doing something they enjoy.
• Too much being asked of them. A long shopping trip, waiting at the doctor’s or a visit where there is nothing to play with.
• The wish to be independent. Your child wants to do something on their own but cannot manage it yet, and gets angry with themselves and with you.
• Change. Starting kindergarten, a new baby or moving house. Your child is more sensitive at times like these.

Many children keep to the rules all day at kindergarten and only explode at home with you. If that sounds familiar, our article Why is my child grumpy at home after kindergarten? may help.

What to do while a tantrum is happening

During a tantrum your child is not listening to explanations. At that moment their emotions are stronger than reason. Your job is to stay calm and wait for the storm to pass.

1. Stay calm. The NHS points out that shouting at your child will not end the tantrum. Breathe slowly and speak quietly. Your child calms down sooner with a calm adult.
2. Keep your child safe. Move anything they could hurt themselves with out of reach. If you need to step away for a moment, make sure your child is safe.
3. Don’t give in. If your child gets what they wanted by having a tantrum, they learn that screaming works. The NHS advises sticking to your original decision. You can be kind and firm at the same time.
4. Try a distraction. With a younger child it helps to quickly point out something interesting, such as a dog outside the window or a toy.
5. Stay close. Some children calm down when you hug them. Others need a bit of space. Tell them: ‘I’m here when you want me.’

When your child has calmed down, do not reproach them for what happened. Give them a hug and get back to your normal day. Talk about the tantrum later, when they are calm.

After the tantrum: how to talk about it

Your child learns the most in the calm moment after a tantrum. That is when you can help them understand what they felt. Keep it short and simple:

• ‘You were angry because we had to leave the playground.’
• ‘You were sad when your tower broke.’
• ‘Next time you get angry, you can stamp or say: I’m angry.’

This way your child links the feeling with a word. Little by little they discover that anger can be expressed in other ways than screaming. Do not punish them for feeling angry. Being angry is fine. But they are learning that some ways of showing anger, such as hitting, are not. We explain what to do when your child bites or hits in My child is biting or hitting at kindergarten.

Anger in the first weeks at kindergarten

After starting kindergarten, tantrums may become more frequent for a while. All day your child is adjusting to new people, rules and noise. They hold it together at kindergarten, and when you pick them up, the tension comes out. Often with you, because with you they feel safest.

It does not mean things are going badly at kindergarten. It helps to give them something to eat after pick-up, let them run around and put them to bed earlier. If the outbursts go on for longer, tell the teacher. Together you can find out what is bothering your child. We explain how long getting used to kindergarten usually takes in How long does settling in at kindergarten take?

Emotional intelligence: what your child is learning

Emotional intelligence means understanding your own feelings, being able to manage them and understanding the feelings of others. A preschooler learns it in small steps. First they recognise the basic feelings: joy, sadness, anger and fear. Then they learn to name them, express them appropriately and notice them in a friend too.

Children who understand their emotions find it easier to play with others, can come to agreements and cope with disappointment when they lose. Later these skills help them at school too, where they need to sit still, wait their turn and work in a group. You can read more about getting ready for school in Getting ready for school: what your child should manage.

How to build emotional intelligence at home

You do not need special materials. A few minutes a day and games your child enjoys are enough.

• Name feelings during the day. ‘I can see you’re excited.’ ‘You’re probably disappointed that it’s raining.’ Your child learns words for what they feel.
• Read stories and ask about the characters. ‘How do you think the bunny felt when he got lost?’ Your child learns to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.
• Play the faces game. In front of the mirror, try out happy, sad, angry and scared faces together. Children love it and remember the feelings.
• Show how you do it. ‘I’m tired today, so I’m going to sit down for a moment.’ Your child learns most from what they see.
• Give them choices. ‘Do you want the blue T-shirt or the red one?’ Small decisions give your child a sense of control, and there are fewer battles.
• Announce changes in advance. ‘In five minutes we’re going home.’ Transitions are easier when your child knows about them beforehand.

How to prevent tantrums during the day

Most tantrums can be softened before they even start. A predictable day, where your child knows what is coming, helps.

• Regular meals. Morning and afternoon snacks at the same time. A hungry child explodes over a trifle, so always carry something small to nibble.
• Enough sleep. A tired child copes worst with disappointment. A regular bedtime helps more than any explanation.
• Movement outdoors. A child who has run around is calmer at home. We explain why movement matters so much for children in Physical activity for preschoolers.
• Time for transitions. Get up ten minutes earlier in the morning. When you are not in a rush, your child can get dressed on their own and you avoid a battle at the door.
• A calm afternoon after kindergarten. After a whole day in a group, your child needs some time just with you. Leave shopping and visits for another time.

Words that help and words that make it worse

In a tense moment, how you say things matters too. Some phrases calm a child, others make them even angrier.

Your child needs to feel that you understand their feeling, even if you do not let them have everything they want. Understanding and a firm limit go well together.

When siblings get angry

Anger between siblings is common, especially over toys. When the children fight over a toy car, do not look for someone to blame. Name both children’s feelings: ‘You wanted the car, and you didn’t want to give it up yet.’ Then help them find a solution, such as taking turns with a sand timer. This way children learn to reach an agreement without one always winning and the other always losing.

When you get angry too

Tantrums wear out even a patient parent. It is normal to get angry yourself sometimes. What matters is what you do afterwards. If you raise your voice at your child, apologise: ‘I’m sorry I shouted. I was angry.’ Your child sees that mistakes can be put right and that adults are learning to manage their emotions too.

Think about yourself as well. When you are tired and hungry, you find your child’s outbursts harder to handle. A short break while the other parent takes over helps the whole family.

When to talk to a professional

Most tantrums become less frequent with age. The NHS advises talking to your child’s doctor if you are seriously worried about their behaviour. In our experience a conversation with your paediatrician is especially worthwhile when:

• tantrums become more frequent after the age of four than before,
• your child hurts themselves or others during them,
• the outbursts last a very long time or happen almost every day for no obvious reason,
• your child also has difficulties with speech, sleep or eating.

A conversation with your paediatrician does not commit you to anything and is often reassuring. If needed, they will refer you to another specialist, such as a child psychologist.

How we do it at Sovička

All three of our kindergartens run the EQ programme. Through play, your child learns to name what they feel, reach agreements with a friend and help when someone is sad. The programme builds self-confidence, empathy and cooperation, and it is included in the monthly fee.

Each class has 7 to 15 children and one teacher. In a small group she notices when your child is tired or sad and helps them before a tantrum comes. When your child gets angry, the teacher calms them, names the feeling with them and helps them find a solution. If something like this happens, she will tell you at pick-up so that you can follow up at home.

If you are going through a difficult phase, tell us. We will agree on the same approach at home and at kindergarten, so that your child hears the same words from you and from the teacher. You can read more about our programme on the Curriculum page. If you would like to talk to the head teacher in person, book a visit at a time when the kindergarten is not busy.