Kindergarten drop-off when you are anxious too: going back to work after parental leave

Kindergarten drop-off anxiety affects parents as well as children, especially when you are going back to work after parental leave. Fear, guilt and tears in the car outside the kindergarten are all common. What helps your child most is a goodbye that is short, calm and always the same, telling them when you will come back, and keeping that promise. In this article you will find why parents feel anxious at drop-off, what to do before your child starts, how to handle the morning at the door and what to do with your own feelings once the kindergarten door closes behind you.

Why parents feel anxious too

For two or three years you have spent almost every hour with your child. You know what each sigh means, how they fall asleep, what they always eat and what they never touch. Suddenly you are meant to hand them over for the whole day to someone you are only just getting to know. It is natural for questions to run through your head: Will they eat lunch? Will they fall asleep without me? Will someone comfort them if they fall?

Guilt often comes along too. Some mums and dads feel they are “parking” their child so they can go to work. Others are afraid their child will be sad and they will not know about it. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes on HealthyChildren.org that separation is hard for parents too, and many of them feel they are doing everything wrong. Yet it is an ordinary part of a child growing up.

Your worries show how much your child matters to you. You only need to handle them so that they do not spill over into the morning at the door.

Your child reads your calm

A small child does not yet understand everything you say, but they notice very well how you say it. When you hand them over in the morning with tears in your eyes and hug them for a long time, your child concludes that something bad is happening. If Mum, who knows everything, is scared, they start to be scared too.

For this reason Ireland’s health service, the HSE, advises parents to be positive and confident at goodbye and not to show sadness or worry. You do not have to bottle up your feelings. It is enough to put them aside for a few minutes and let them out once you are outside.

It helps to prepare in advance the sentence you will say. For example: “Now you’re going to your teacher and I’m going to work. I’ll come and get you after afternoon snack.” When you have the words ready, your voice is less likely to shake.

What helps before your child starts

The easiest goodbyes begin weeks before the first day at kindergarten. The more small separations your child experiences at home, the less the big one will surprise them.

• Practise short separations. Leave your child for an hour with a grandparent or with the other parent, and come back exactly when you said you would. The HSE recommends starting with short spells and gradually making them longer.
• Visit the kindergarten together. When your child knows the classroom and the toys, the first morning will not be a leap into the unknown. It is best to come at a quiet time, when the kindergarten is not busy.
• Plan the start two to three weeks before work. In the first days your child will spend shorter time at kindergarten. While you are not yet working, you do not have to rush and you can adapt to their pace.
• Do a trial morning. A few days before the start, get up at the time you would for kindergarten and practise breakfast and getting dressed. The first real morning will then not be a rush.
• Talk about kindergarten calmly. Mention specific things waiting for your child: toys, snack time, the playground. But do not promise it will always be fun. A child who then gets a fright would not know whether to trust you.

The morning at the door: short, the same, with a return

The morning goodbye is the moment parents remember most. A few simple steps will help.

1. Have your own ritual. A hug, a kiss on the palm or “three claps”. HealthyChildren.org recommends keeping the ritual short and always the same. Your child then knows that after it comes the goodbye and nothing unexpected.
2. Do not stay long. When you stand at the door for ten minutes and keep coming back for one more hug, the crying only goes on longer. A long goodbye also means it takes your child longer to calm down.
3. Never sneak out. The HSE stresses that a parent should never leave without saying goodbye. A child who discovers you have suddenly gone will be afraid to let you out of sight next time.
4. Say when you will come, in their words. A small child does not understand “at four o’clock”. They do understand “after nap time” or “after afternoon snack”.
5. Arrive on time. A promise kept is proof to your child that you always come back. If you are running late, let the kindergarten know so they can explain it to your child.

If your child starts to cry, hand them to the teacher and leave. Most children calm down shortly after the parent goes. More about what is normal with morning tears is in My child cries at kindergarten drop-off.

When the door closes behind you

The first few minutes after leaving are usually the hardest. You are sitting in the car, your child’s crying is still in your head and you want to go back. Do not go back. Coming back would show your child that crying brings you back, and next time they would cry even longer.

Instead, give yourself a small treat: a coffee on the way to work, a favourite song or a call with a friend. Agree with the teacher that she will let you know how your child settled after you left. One short message will reassure you more than an hour of imagining.

Try not to phone the kindergarten every hour. The teacher looks after the whole class, and every call takes her away from the children, including yours. If you need to discuss something, agree on a time that suits both of you.

If you find it hard to concentrate in your first week at work, go easy on yourself. You are also getting used to a new kind of day, and to the fact that your child is experiencing things you are not there for. After a few weeks most parents catch themselves saying goodbye with a smile and thinking about work on the way there. It is a sign that you have both settled, you and your child. The guilt you felt at the start gives way to enjoying what your child did that was new and what they tell you about in the evening.

The first weeks at work

Going back to work is a change for you too. Alongside your child’s new routine, you are getting used to your own. It helps not to take on more in the first weeks than you can manage.

• Agree a gradual start at work. If possible, begin with shorter hours or lighter Fridays. In the first weeks your child will be more tired, and so will you.
• Share the morning and afternoon tasks. Sometimes it helps a child when the other parent takes them to kindergarten and the goodbye is shorter.
• Have a plan for sick days. In the first months in a group, children fall ill more often. When your child is ill, they need to stay at home until they are better. Otherwise they would pass the illness to other children and the teacher, it would go round the class like a relay, and a few days later your child would be ill again. Agree with grandparents in advance, or find out whether you can work from home. If you have no family nearby in Bratislava, it is worth arranging a backup before your first day at work.
• Spend the evening together. Half an hour of play without your phone shows your child that a day at kindergarten ends with coming back to you. For many children it also helps with the next morning.

How to prepare for sick days is covered in My child is always sick after starting kindergarten.

What to tell your child about your work

Children find it easier to say goodbye when they know where the parent is going. For a two-year-old a simple sentence is enough: “I’m going to work and you’re going to kindergarten. We’ll see each other in the afternoon.” An older child may be curious about what you do at work. Describe it with a picture they know: “I type on a computer and talk to people, like you do with your friends.”

Some families create a shared moment at the end of the day. On the way home you tell each other what you did and what your child did. Your child then feels that kindergarten and work are two worlds that meet again every afternoon. Avoid sentences that could weigh on them, such as “I have to go to work even though I don’t want to.” Your child might think something bad is happening and cling to you even more in the morning.

When goodbyes get harder after a few weeks

Many parents are surprised that their child goes to kindergarten with a smile for the first days, and then in the third or fourth week suddenly bursts into tears in the morning. This is common. New toys and new children were an adventure at first. When your child understands that kindergarten will be every day, they start to miss you. Something similar often happens after an illness, after the holidays or when something changes at home.

At times like this, keep the same ritual and do not change the rules. If you kept your child at home after they cried, they would learn that crying in the morning works, and the next morning would be even harder. Usually things settle down by themselves within a few days.

When your child explodes after kindergarten

Some children cope all day at kindergarten, then cry, get angry or turn defiant at home with their parent. Parents may take this as proof that kindergarten is harming their child. Most often it is the opposite. Your child has been trying hard all day, and with you, where they feel safe, the tension comes out. Food, moving about outside and a calm moment without questions all help. More in Why is my child grumpy and defiant after kindergarten?

When it is more than ordinary sadness

Most children get used to saying goodbye within a few weeks. The HSE recommends talking to a doctor if your child stays upset long after you leave, is extremely frightened, or if the difficulty with separation lasts several weeks without getting better. In that case, talk first to the teacher, who sees your child during the day, and then to your paediatrician.

Think of yourself too. If worry keeps waking you at night over a long period or stops you concentrating at work, you are not alone. Talk to your partner, someone close to you or a doctor. A calm parent is the best support a child can have.

How we do it at Sovička

We know the first morning is hard for both of you. That is why your child will spend shorter time at Sovička in the first days, and we will extend it once we see they are doing well. If your child needs it, you can stay with them at the beginning. Each class has 7 to 15 children and one teacher, so at the door in the morning your child has someone who knows them and knows what calms them.

When you collect your child, the teacher will tell you how their day went, what they ate and who they played with. You will also find important notices in the Kinderio parent app, where you can see when your child arrived at kindergarten and when they left. For a longer conversation, arrange a time with the head teacher so the teacher does not have to leave the children in the class. What settling in looks like with us is described on our Settling in page.

If you are still getting ready for the start, come and see us with your child at a quiet time, when the kindergarten is not busy. Your child gets to know the classroom and the toys, and you can talk to the head teacher about anything that is worrying you. You can arrange a time through the Book a visit form.